BREAKING NEWS - My Hopeful Journey is now live! Visit us at www.myhopefuljourney.com!!!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

My Hopeful Journey Infertility App launches on June 1st!

I want to thank all of my followers and visitors for your help, encouragement and support.  As I said before, this blog is no longer active and has transitioned to http://myhopefuljourney.com/blog.  I hope you will join me there! 

My Hopeful Journey was developed out of a need that I had while I was going through treatment which was to better integrate and manage all of my treatment information in one place.  I surveyed 100 women and found that they were looking for the same thing as I was BUT it didn't exist.  I used their feedback to develop My Hopeful Journey.  I truly hope that you use and share My Hopeful Journey!  It can be used by anyone that is trying to conceive but was designed specifically for infertility treatment.

It has a calendar, task list and journal in a one stop shop!  It is web-based, user friendly and customizable for YOUR needs. 

Features Include:
  • Track everything!  Categories include:
    • Appointments
    • Medications
    • Lab results
    • Procedures
    • Natural indicators (period, intercourse, temperature, symptoms, etc.)
  • Filter yoeach category
  • Set reminders
  • Attach files
  • Manage costs
  • And much more...
Don't take my word for it.... try it out and let me know what you think!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

BREAKING NEWS - My Hopeful Journey Blog is Live

As promised, the My Hopeful Journey blog has relocated.  We have packed up and moved on to http://www.myhopefuljourney.com/blog  featuring an amazing wordpress blog that is integrated with the website.

Why did we move the blog?   I am so glad that you asked...  We actually didn't move the blog, everything that was posted here will stay here but I won't be posting regularly here.  I will respond to all inquires and continue to read and respond to comments here.  When I started blogging, I started with blogger because it was quick and easy.  I have moved to wordpress to have a more structured blog that could be integrated with the company website.

I have been so fortunate to meet so many wonderful people through this blog, that I hate to leave.  But I am not going too far, so please click on over to my new blog and subscribe to the blog post updates. 

I truly appreciate my devoted followers and viewers and HOPE you join me at the new blog.  You were there with me in the beginning and I hope you stick around because My Hopeful Journey has some wonderful initiatives and a great web-based infertility treatment tracking organizer that will be ready VERY SOON!  I also have some wonderful guest posters lined up and of course we will also keep you updated on the exciting news from My Hopeful Journey. 

Stay tuned.. you will not be disappointed!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

New Year, New Habits: Organize Infertility Expenses in 2011

This post is inspired by two recent interactions that I had that stuck in the back of my whirling brain. Somehow, they both bumped into each other and here we go....

Millions of people make New Year's resolutions on December 31st each year. Yet, each year most of those resolutions go unresolved.  Jill, a friend of mine (Artful Relationships) decided that she was not going to do a resolution this year, but would be doing a new practice for the New Year. Resolutions mean to resolve or have an intention to do something. A practice is something that you are intentional about in order to build a habit or become proficient at something. A practice is much more attainable and realistic in this context and I embrace making changes that are long and lasting.

A few weeks later, I read a tweet by @the2weekwait that said "Any advice on how to figure out all your 2010 fertility fees to claim on your taxes? I'm completely lost on this project!" Soon after I read this tweet, the 2 conversations collided and are now inspiration for this blog "practice".

A practical and easy solution on how to organize 2011 fertility treatment expenses.

"Practice" getting yourself organized and take control of your infertility treatment in 2011. Infertility is EXPENSIVE! Even if you have insurance, the sheer volume of doctor's appointments, procedures and medications can rack up a large bill.

Take just 5 minutes right now to decide how you will do this in 2011. Also, think what the value will be. We are more likely to do something and stick to it if it is easy AND if we see value in it. What is the outcome or value to you (Less frustration, time saving, sense of control, etc.)?

This practice is as simple as 2 steps:

1. Dedicate a pocket (or keep an envelope) in your wallet or purse to keep your infertility receipts

2. a) Once a month, after the end of a cycle, when you clean your purse, etc. purge those receipts into file folder for 2011 infertility related expenses OR

b) Identify one credit card that you use only for medical appointments. I would encourage you to pay cash if you can but if you are going to charge it anyway, try to use the same card each time. Then you can simply save the monthly statements, which will provide an itemized receipt of your transactions.

BONUS STEP: If you want to take this a step further, you can log those receipts into My Hopeful Journey's organizer as they occur or before you place the receipts in the file. This will allow you to keep track of your expenses and categorized by type (medication, appointments, procedures, etc.). You can attach reference documents and receipts to the expense by category and date. You can view reports and calculate the expenses by inputting a date range.

My Hopeful Journey will be available in the spring. Get up to date information on My Hopeful Journey by "liking" the facebook page or following the blog.

This time next year, your tax filing for medical expenses will be a breeze if you incorporate a practice like this!

(This blog has been transitioned to http://myhopefuljourney.com/blog)

Saturday, February 12, 2011

My Hopeful Journey - Big Changes Are Coming Soon!

I can't begin to thank you for your wonderful support, comments, emails, survey responses and encouragement over the past 6 months.  I initially launched this blog to gather survey feedback about infertility treatment for an infertility treatment tracking application that I was developing.  In the process, I became connected to the ALI blogging community.  In all the years that I struggled with infertility, I never knew what a powerful and supportive community this was.  I wish I would have found it sooner, but you know what they say, better late than never!

As this journey continues, there will be some changes that you will notice:
  • A My Hopeful Journey facebook page has been created. "Like" this page to stay updated on My Hopeful Journey including the "new" blog and application launch, blog posts, exclusive offers, and much more.
  • Coming Soon:  My Hopeful Journey blogspot blog will transition the infertility awareness initiatives and company related information to a wordpress blog that will be integrated with the My Hopeful Journey official website.  This will occur in February.
    • I will continue to respond to comments and emails generated from this site. (Thank you so very much for the amazing support.)
  • The Infertility Treatment Tracking Survey has been removed.  If you are interested in beta testing the My Hopeful Journey infertility treatment tracking application, please send an email to myhopefuljourney@comcast.net.
I will continue to use twitter, facebook and blogging to support My Hopeful Journey's initiatives in supporting infertility.

Don't forget.. National Infertility Awareness Week is April 24 - 30, 2011.  Infertility is silent, help spread the word and give infertility a VOICE!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

National Infertility Awareness Week 2011 - Increase Awareness through YOUR State, County or Local Library!!!

I need your help! I wanted to do something to bring awareness to infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) April 24th - 30th, to bring more awareness to infertility. The idea started as me contacting my local library and asking them to feature books relating to infertility during NIAW this year. As the idea started to grow and I really wanted to try to get as many libraries on board as possible.... but I can't do it alone. I figured I would tap into this amazing community for help! I cannot do this by myself, BUT with you, we can!

Please take a few minutes of your time to contact your local library and ask them to feature books during National Infertility Awareness Week. I have created a sample letter that you may copy or send your own version. I could not find a directory of email addresses for public libraries so you may have to click around to get an email address or take a minute or two and pick up the phone to contact them directly. http://lists.webjunction.org/libweb/Public_main.html

I contacted my local branch library and they were very accommodating. Instead of contacting each individual branch within my county, my local branch gave me the contact number for the person at the county that coordinates these things. I will be contacting her next week. If you have a few extra minutes, please consider doing the same thing to get even more coverage for you county for National Infertility Awareness Week.

If you get a response from your letter, please add it to the google document link with the state, county and library branch (if applicable). There is also a place for you to list your blog, facebook and twitter, if you choose.

My goal is to have representation in each state and even internationally. Please post this link to your FB status or twitter or write a blog post about it to get more people involved.
Together, we can make a difference!

Sample Letter

National Infertility Awareness Week is April 24th - 30th. Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples. Please consider featuring infertility related books at your library during National Infertility Awareness Week to raise awareness. In turn, your library will be listed on the My Hopeful Journey facebook page and twitter (@hopeful_journey).

Here is a link to a PDF document created by Resolve, The National Infertility Association, entitled Infertility 101: Get the facts. You may want to print and display this flyer or make it available on your website.

Please reply to this email with the information that you want posted about your library and it will be added to the list of libraries that are supporting National Infertility Awareness Week.

With much hope and appreciation,

Friday, January 21, 2011

5 Reasons to "Like" My Hopeful Journey Facebook Page

My Hopeful Journey now has a more powerful way for you to connect with us on Facebook. We’ve created a Facebook Page, My Hopeful Journey, designed to better serve the population of those affected by infertility. What can you expect by connecting with us on Facebook?

You will…
• receive updates about My Hopeful Journey, including new features and exclusive offers
• be the first to receive updated blog posts
• find information related to infertility support, awareness and education
• be able to start and join discussions on a variety of topics
• join a community who share common experiences with infertility

Click "like" in the top left facebook box and love our new page!  Please join in the conversation about infertility and find hope (and help) along your journey!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Breaking the "Infertile" Silence

Have you read the Self article "This Women has a Secret"? It was a life changing article for so many women and helped them find their "voice" for infertility... because so often women suffer in silence!

Join Resolve on Thursday, January 20th for a TeleSeminar with the author, Jennifer Wolff Perrine.

"Share" this with your FB and twitter community if you think they will be interested, thanks!

My Hopeful Journey was only a concept when this article was published. Thanks to Jennifer Wolff Perrine it was one of the driving forces to bring a "voice" to this concept. I wanted to do my part in helping women that are struggling with infertility.

My Hopeful Journey is a web-based application to help women manage their treatment and it launches this spring. "Like" the My Hopeful Journey facebook page to receive the latest information about My Hopeful Journey and other information from the infertility community including news, events and community advocacy.

Read more at the blog post  "Finding a Voice for Infertility".

"Like" My Hopeful Journey to stay connected!

Other ways to stay connected:
Facebook Page: My Hopeful Journey - Infertility Treatment Tracking Simpl-IF-ed
Twitter: http://twitter.com/hopeful_journey
Blog: http://thehopefuljourney.blogspot.com/
Coming Soon: MyHopefulJourney.com

Sunday, January 16, 2011

ABC’s of l-IF-e

Add this list to your infertility survival kit and feel free to add your own items, words of encouragement and coping mechanisms in the comments below!


Attitude – Stay positive, Advocate - Be present in your treatment
Balance - is important in your sanity especially during this time
Cry - if you need to (By popular demand - Chocolate)
Dream
Exercise and Eat Healthy
Faith, Forgiveness, Flexibility
Give up controlling everything
HOPE
Imagine your dreams coming true
JOURNEY, Journal
Knowledge – learn, be part of the journey
Live, Laugh, Love
Mindset, Manicure, Meditate
Nurture yourself and your relationships
Organize, Options - explore
Prioritize, Pedicure
Questions – ask for more information if you don't understand
Rest and Relax
Support – ask when you need it
Try, Try and Try 
Unexpected – view your cycle as a guide, expect changes
Vacation
Walk, Wish
eXpectations – don’t put too much pressure on yourself
Yoga
Zzzz – get enough sleep

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Feature: HOPE Support Group and Dancing Upon Barren Land Website

I decided to feature my 1st blog giveaway winners in my blog posts this month.  I am so appreciative to this community and I want to share the love and support other blogs in this journey! 

In my 1st Blog Giveway, I met an amazing women, Lesli Westfall, that is using her infertility and spirituality to support other women that are also struggling. Her perspective is so amazing and refreshing.  I read a recent post from her called Don't Look Back and it reminded me of one of my first posts called Lessons Learned from Infertility. I believe it is important for us to learn from life's lessons, especially the difficult ones. She has such a positive outlook on her infertility and also brings a compassion to other women that is so genuine and heart-felt!

Here is some more information about her support group and online ministry. Please take a moment to read on, visit her site and sign up for a devotional in your inbox!

HOPE, an acronym for Hearts Of Promise and Expectation for Women, a Christian Infertility Support Group, began at Lakewood Church four years ago. HOPE is a Christian based group, providing spiritual and emotional support for women experiencing infertility, secondary infertility, miscarriages or failed adoption attempts. Women come from all over the greater Houston area, and whether they attend church or have a faith in God, they experience God's love and a sense that He has not forgotten them. Those attending receive an encouraging lesson, then break up into small groups sharing their journey and receiving specific prayer for their need. This type of format has fostered lasting friendships. God's goodness prevails, we've seen countless women take their bundles of joy home!

HOPE meets the first Thursday of the month, 7:00 p.m. at Lakewood Church, Houston, Texas ***(fyi-we've had 20 babies this year alone, 16 born and 4 adopted! woo-hoo!)

Lesli Westfall, the HOPE support group leader at Lakewood Church is no stranger to infertility. She has experienced her share of heartache and emotional ups and downs. Yet each time, through it all, her disappointments have led her to an appointment with a presence greater than herself-God. It is through these experiences that she encourages other women on the same road. As she led the support group at Lakewood, there would be countless emails coming in nationally and internationally asking, "What does the Bible say about infertility?" "How can I cope another day?" "Where is God in the midst of my heartache?" Through the inquiries she realized a 'felt-need'. Women were 'silently suffering' out there, even in the midst of their own congregations, synagogues or places of worship. It was at this time she created an online Christian ministry, a website for those suffering with infertility called 'Dancing Upon Barren Land ~ Spiritual Nourishment for the Infertility Road'.

The site includes Resources, Prayers, Infertility Etiquette and a Devotional Blog; including Monday Morning Prayer and Fertility Fact Fridays. Her mission is to inspire faith and encourage women that they are not alone and to keep believing for the impossible! To let them know that there is a God who cares, loves and who has not forsaken them.

Website: Dancing Upon Barren Land
Twitter: @DUBLhope

Monday, December 20, 2010

What's in Your Infertility Survival Kit?

What would you want in your infertility survival kit, if there was such a thing.  Well, there actually is.  I created one in my 1st blog giveaway.  It has all the necessities for pampering the infertile soul... and feet ;-).  If it is prior to December 23rd, read this post and follow the instructions on Celebrate the Holidays with My 1st Blog Giveaway! 

The infertility survival kit includes:
  • $25 gift card to SpaWish
  • Pedicure Kit
  • Nail Polish
  • Cute, Fuzzy Socks
  • Midnight Pomegranate Lotion and Soap
  • Shower Puff
  • Tissues
  • and more....
Many of the items are for your feet... Why feet you ask... "it isn't my feet that are the problem".  Simply because I want your feet to look cute when you go to your RE and they are in those terrible, cold, sterile stirrups!!! 

Other essential survival items are:
  • Books and Magazines
  • Any Sandra Bullock movie (or the chic flick of your choice)
  • Favorite Playlist (something fun like Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, PINK)
  • Try Scrapbooking, Gardening, Sewing or something else to occupy your time and mind
  • Journal or Blog
  • Online Community or Forums for support to get through the really tough days
  • Of course, at least 1 HPT for emergency use ONLY!
  • Band-aids
Please add your must have survival kit items in the comments below....

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Honoring Losses During the Holidays

As festive and wonderful this time of year can be with celebrations, gifts, family, traditions and decorations it can also be a time to remember those we have lost in our life that are special to us. This may be a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or even a lost pregnancy or grieving the emptiness that comes with the inability to get pregnant.

Select an ornament for your tree, light a special candle, donate to a charity that supports a cause that is very dear to you or create your own tradition to honor the memory of those lost. 


Each year I have a special ornament on my Christmas tree in memory of my loss!  It is always the last ornament to go on the tree. It is my way of honoring and remembering where I have been on this journey.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Celebrate the Holidays with My Very 1st Blog Giveaway!

NOTE: Each entry must be submitted here so I can keep track of the entries!

Infertility is difficult no matter what time of year but around the holidays can be especially tough! I have 2 gifts that I think you will enjoy and hope they will pick your spirits up. 




The Bounce Back Book: How to Thrive in the Face of Adversity, Setbacks and Losses by Karen Salmansohn.  It is an “easy” read with practical, realistic information.  It is not an infertility book but the information in here is relevant.




“Infertility Survival Kit” - Will include a $25 spa wish gift card, pedicure set, fuzzy socks, nail polish, shower puff, lotion, and much more….


I have a post dedicated to the Infertility Survival Kit with more details coming soon!!!
RULES:

Comment: Leave a comment between December 6th and December 21st on any of my posts and you will receive an entry. (1)

Status Updates: Tweet or update your facebook status about this giveaway or any of your favorite posts and you will receive an entry for each. (2)

Blog post: Link to or write a blog post about “My Hopeful Journey” and you will get an entry. (1)

Follow me: Join me on facebook, twitter, follow my blog (or enter your email in my RSS feed) and you will get an entry for each (3)

To submit an entry for the above categories please add a comment to this post with the information including the category (maximum of 7 entries). If you are an existing follower and would like to be included, simply add a comment on this post and it will be included. 

All entries will be  tallied on Wednesday, December 22nd and will be announced by Thursday, December 23rd.  Due to the nature of these gifts, please limit your entries to US addresses only. If you do not reside in the United States, you may gift your giveaway to someone that has a US address. 

Infertility Survival Kit image is from sirsnapsalot.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Educating College Women and Men on Infertility

As if I wasn't already involved in enough...  I was working on a Breast Cancer Awareness initiative and just asked a simple little question about infertility resources to the Women's Center at work.  That one little question opened up a new opportunity for me to advocate for infertility in a place that I would have never imagined.  I just never even connected that college aged women (and men) would be interested in infertility.  I obviously thought that most people would be concerned with how to NOT get pregnant.  But I never thought about it from a planning standpoint like... "I don't want to get pregnant today but I do want a family in the future".


I have been working with the American Fertility Association on using their educational materials and possibly even having Corey Whelan, Program Director, come speak to this group.  Just in case you didn't know, the AFA is touring campuses to educate college students on infertility.  Their program focus is on prevention - Infertility Prevention Program.  What an amazing perspective to take!  I realize infertility isn't "preventable" in many cases BUT in many cases there are risk factors and lifestyle changes that can be made to improve our chances.

  • What IF women were educated on those things that they could do to decrease their chances? 
  • What IF women were aware at a young age that their biological clock does play a huge role in conceiving and how long it will take?
  • What IF women and men understand that unsafe sex could reduce or eliminate the possibility of ever being able to have a baby?
  • What IF women knew the signs and symptoms of certain diseases like PCOS and endometriosis and could address them earlier in their life?
  • What IF someone that attends this event could educate 2 of their friends, and they could educate 2 of their friends and the cycle continued?
  • What IF you could educate just one person on infertility and it helped them to prevent it or address their symptoms earlier?
I obviously want a ton of people to show up and would love your feedback on how to get students interested in this topic.  (BTW - I will also be open to staff & faculty.)

I also want to reinforce that this opportunity came to me by just asking one question.  There are still many unknowns in how this event will take place BUT I don't think that really matters.  If 10 women come and learn one thing about infertility, it is a success.  And we never know who else is watching and learning and passing the information on.

CALL TO ACTION: Do me one favor?  Think of your life and if there are any opportunities for you to educate others about infertility.  It could be as simple as you sharing this post with your network of family and friends? You don't need to do the educating, maybe you just connect the resources like I have done?  Maybe you start a local support group or have lunch with someone that you heard is having trouble trying to conceive... information sharing is so important to navigate infertility.

Stay tuned for the ABC's of l-IF-e!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!



Be sure to come back and visit me soon.  My next post is called "Educating College Women and Men on Infertility".  Maybe you can help?!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

ICLW - Welcome & Thank You

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, thank you for visiting my blog.  If you are part of ICLW for November, please check out my comment tracking spreadsheet by clicking on the ICLW Comment Tracker Link right above the button on the left.  I keep a copy of it for myself so I can track the many blogs that I visit during this time.  I also take notes for later reference when I find something especially notable.

My Hopeful Journey is not a recap or an ongoing day by day story about my infertility journey (at least as is).  It is about using my experience to try to help you through your journey.  I am working on several projects in the spirit of trying to help other women who are on their infertility journey.  I hope to be able to touch many lives with these projects!  Ultimately, if I help at least one person in a meaningful way, it would make it all worth it! 

Please poke around my previous blogs.  I hope there is something here that you will find helpful and hopeful!  Stop back in a few days, I am in the process of drafting a post about a project that I am working on.  I think you will enjoy it and I am hoping to get your feedback also!  Oh yeah, if you have an extra minute, please pop over and complete my survey on infertility treatment tracking. 

Feel free to follow me... I love followers.  With thanks, hope and hugs.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

How Do You Refer to Infertility?

Am I infertile?  I hate to use that term... I think that is a term that comes with an implication of failure or the inability to EVER conceive. 

But how do we refer to each other in conversations about infertility?  I start to say "women experiencing infertility" but I don't like the sound of that.  It is not a single experience.. it is by definition at least a 12 month struggle to reach the clinical definition of infertile.  But from the beginning of your TTC journey until the 12 month point the doctor really won't "do" anything because there is nothing to "do" as there is no problem.  Then at 12 months you are sort of thrown into this whole new category called "infertility".  Your world is turned even more upside down than the prior 12 months of trying to conceive.  Now you know there is a problem but exactly what is the problem?  Many won't know yet because you most likely didn't necessarily "do" anything more because there was technically nothing wrong. 

Infertile is a label, a tag, an identity to me that implies that you must deal with the cards that you are dealt and we all know it is more than that. There are in some cases things we can do to increase our chances of getting pregnant... yes expensive, time consuming and painful but there are options.  I do recognize that some of us will never conceive, that is the reality of "infertility". But the diagnosis of infertility is not necessarily the end of the road.

I see so many people refer to infertility as a journey hence the title "My Hopeful Journey" which, by the way, is more about trying to help others with their journey vs. a play by play of mine!  I think I just answered my own question.  When I refer to women and infertility I think I will say... "going through the journey called infertility".  That seems to make sense to me.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

What I Learned from October ICLW

I am so glad that I participated in October's ICLW!  I knew I would meet some great people and read inspiring and heartbreaking stories.  What I didn't realize is how much I would learn in the process.  I am officially hooked!

Here is a summary:

Many people were inspired by the SELF article "Breaking the Silence" including "As Fast As My Baby Can"  and myself at "Finding a Voice for Infertility".  I think I will have to write a letter to the author (or at least the editor of the magazine!) for inspiring so many women to find their voice!

I learned about a cool tool virtual bookshelf (http://www.shelfari.com/)  from Stress Free Infertility.  Thanks... I have already started recommending this to others :-)

 I also found Nirvana Mamma and her "Blog for a Cause".  I will for sure be putting in my request for NIAW in the spring.

 Lastly I learned how different people can read the same post and get vastly different meanings and intentions.  It really shows how much our own experiences play a role on how we perceive our environment!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

October ICLW Scorecard

I am so glad I participated in my 1st ICLW!   If I had to give myself a grade based on the rules of ICLW, I would say I got an A.  I got behind one day but I did catch up the next day.  I also made up my own rules so I didn't get so overwhelmed with the ICLW commitment.  Based on my rules I would say I got a B. 

My ICLW Rules
  1. Log each blog comment made each day on my spreadsheet*
  2. Visit new blogs each day for the entire week (tracked on spreadsheet)
  3. If I didn't connect immediately to the 1st post I read, I read more posts so I could really try to relate and connect
  4. Reply back to each comment that I get on my blog
  5. Write a new post each day (I didn't quite follow this one which is what made my grade a B instead of an A.... I wrote 5 but that was a record for me)
I really wanted to try to get to know and read as many different blogs as possible for the first go round... hence rule #2.  There are so many great stories out there to follow!  The blogging community is overwhelming and I don't want to bite off more than I can chew with following too many blogs.  I feel like I could get lost for hours upon hours on my computer screen if I don't set limits... How do you manage your blogging time with everything else?  How do you choose which blogs you will follow?  Any ideas?

* I created a spreadsheet from the master list of October participants to keep track each day of the blogs that I read and commented on.  (I will do this each month that I participate and post it right next to the ICLW button just in case you are an anal as I am). 

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The IF Race - Dear Lucky Ones

First, thank you so much for the comments from my “I'm Sorry” post. I decided to leave it up for an extra day during ICLW so more people would have a chance to view it. I will still be doing 7 posts but in 8 days instead.

I was reflecting on potentially who MY infertility impacted (in the prior post) and it started to move into realizing how I, often times, judged other women that had gotten pregnant very easily or had several children. I decided to break it into 2 posts. Here goes part 2...

Dear "Lucky Ones",

I secretly questioned your parenting and why you were able to be a mother so easily and I had to work so hard. I judged you and your ability as a mother and whether you were deserving. I questioned your relationships with your husbands and families. I questioned how you intended to raise your children and turned my nose up if it didn't meet my HIGH expectations. I know this was wrong of me... it was the way that I chose to cope with my own pain.

I realized that I judged you about your fertility vs. my lack of fertility. It was like a race to me in that I was working so hard to get pregnant and therefore I should win (I am competitive in nature)! I thought that you weren't "allowed" to be pregnant because you didn't work as hard as I did. After all, I was getting 3 shots a day, waking up super early to go to the doctor, canceling my vacation plans, and in general scheduling my entire life around trying to get pregnant. How is that fair?

Well, there is no fair in infertility. It is not a race, that the harder you train, the more likely you are to win or the more deserving you are to have a baby. I can't compare my efforts to my ability to have or not have a child OR somehow think that you don't deserve a child as much as me because I worked harder. There isn't just a 1st, 2nd and 3rd prize here. Having a child does not require a set amount of desire, pain, time or effort. It does not mean the lack of any of these makes you less deserving! We all have the right to be a mother and it sucks that some of us have to go through such extraordinary steps to make it happen, if it ever does happen, that is.

 I know I am not alone as I have read that many women on their journey do exactly what I have done. It is natural and normal (I think). What I have learned from this is awareness and acceptance. I know we are all human, we are not perfect as wives, sisters, daughters, nieces, aunts and even mothers. We do the BEST that we have given what we know at the time. It is the only thing we can do. We are not bad people because this is how we cope.. it is just how we make it through some of the days on our journey.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

I'm Sorry

Dear Fertile Friends and Family,

 I want to say I am sorry!  I am sorry for never seeing how my infertility impacted your lives.  I didn't think about the far reaching impact.  I only thought about how it impacted me and my husband directly. 

 To my parents, I didn't ever consider the fact that you might truly be grieving for a grandchild that you lost and may never have.  I didn't imagine that you might have longed to see your grandchild's first birthday or Christmas.  It didn't even cross my mind that you could be grieving for that in your life! I AM SORRY!

 To my siblings, I also didn't realize that you might really want to have a niece or nephew and how that touched your lives.

 For my friends, I dismissed the fact that my infertility could even impact you at all.  We are friends and that is that.  But that isn't true, I mean we are friends but it can't be taken for granted.  I didn't recognize that we were disconnected in some ways because I was not a mother and you were. I am SORRY!

To my co-workers, (These people mostly fall in the family and friends category because I work with a great group of people... I consider them to be my family and my friends.)  I know my infertility impacted you as well.  I started to change as a person. I retreated and isolated myself from you, at times.  I kept my infertility a secret because I didn't want to be treated different.  If you did know about my infertility and loss, you were scared to tell me about your joys of becoming a grandparent or a mother yourself.  I would never want to take away your happiness on something that is so important to you.  I AM sorry!

To everyone above, I know that infertility has impacted you in so many ways without actually walking through the shoes of IF.  I know that it is tough to see someone that you love and care about be in pain.  I also know that you felt helpless in all of it.  I know there were times that I got frustrated because you just didn't understand.  You didn't understand what I was going through because you never went through it yourself.  I hope this letter doesn't come to late.  There are some relationships that could have been truly devastated by my infertility because of my inability to cope with it.  I think I was able to see what was happening and finally make the changes necessary before it was too late. 

Is there a relationship that has been significantly changed because of your infertility?  Is there something that you can do today to help mend that relationship? Maybe you can pick up the phone, send a text, write a letter, extend the olive branch in some way to start to resolve a relationship that has been impacted.