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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The IF Race - Dear Lucky Ones

First, thank you so much for the comments from my “I'm Sorry” post. I decided to leave it up for an extra day during ICLW so more people would have a chance to view it. I will still be doing 7 posts but in 8 days instead.

I was reflecting on potentially who MY infertility impacted (in the prior post) and it started to move into realizing how I, often times, judged other women that had gotten pregnant very easily or had several children. I decided to break it into 2 posts. Here goes part 2...

Dear "Lucky Ones",

I secretly questioned your parenting and why you were able to be a mother so easily and I had to work so hard. I judged you and your ability as a mother and whether you were deserving. I questioned your relationships with your husbands and families. I questioned how you intended to raise your children and turned my nose up if it didn't meet my HIGH expectations. I know this was wrong of me... it was the way that I chose to cope with my own pain.

I realized that I judged you about your fertility vs. my lack of fertility. It was like a race to me in that I was working so hard to get pregnant and therefore I should win (I am competitive in nature)! I thought that you weren't "allowed" to be pregnant because you didn't work as hard as I did. After all, I was getting 3 shots a day, waking up super early to go to the doctor, canceling my vacation plans, and in general scheduling my entire life around trying to get pregnant. How is that fair?

Well, there is no fair in infertility. It is not a race, that the harder you train, the more likely you are to win or the more deserving you are to have a baby. I can't compare my efforts to my ability to have or not have a child OR somehow think that you don't deserve a child as much as me because I worked harder. There isn't just a 1st, 2nd and 3rd prize here. Having a child does not require a set amount of desire, pain, time or effort. It does not mean the lack of any of these makes you less deserving! We all have the right to be a mother and it sucks that some of us have to go through such extraordinary steps to make it happen, if it ever does happen, that is.

 I know I am not alone as I have read that many women on their journey do exactly what I have done. It is natural and normal (I think). What I have learned from this is awareness and acceptance. I know we are all human, we are not perfect as wives, sisters, daughters, nieces, aunts and even mothers. We do the BEST that we have given what we know at the time. It is the only thing we can do. We are not bad people because this is how we cope.. it is just how we make it through some of the days on our journey.


  1. I have read both posts and am really moved by them. A friend of mine has chosen to distance herself from me. I have been lucky enough (oh I know how lucky, believe me) to have two children in the last 3 years and she is struggling with infertility. She was one of my closest friends and I truly do understand and don't take it personally. But I would like to be able to be a shoulder for her to lean on. And I miss my friend! I know it will be ok, in her own time and when she is ready, but I am still sad. Thanks, this letter has given me some comfort. Jen ICLW 85

  2. Have you told her this? Maybe you can share these 2 posts with her and see what her response is? I think if this was me and my friend came to me and confronted the situation in a loving and caring way, I would receive it very well. I may have to have distance in the day to day friendship but I would still really respect the friendship and come back when I was ready! I think you have to let her set the pace but let her know that you are there when she is ready... Just my thoughts based on my situation and experience!

  3. Like!

    Good post and great point of view.

  4. This is a great post. Because I feel like I have gotten lucky, I am very uncomfortable talking about my pregnancy with couples I know do not have children. Last night we were out with a couple without children, and I have no idea if that was a personal choice, or a choice that was physically made for them. I tried hard not to bring up the pregnancy, but of course it came up. I don't blame them for judging me, or having negative feelings towards me. I know where it is coming from.

  5. It is tough... I don't think the negative feelings are "towards" you. It is just very tough to see other people realize their dream when you are stuggling so bad to realize your dream!

  6. you are definately not alone on feeling this way. I understand where you are coming from.

  7. so true! i feel this way a lot, especially about friends who have crappy marriages but get pregnant on their first time trying. great letter, once again!