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Sunday, October 24, 2010

I'm Sorry

Dear Fertile Friends and Family,

 I want to say I am sorry!  I am sorry for never seeing how my infertility impacted your lives.  I didn't think about the far reaching impact.  I only thought about how it impacted me and my husband directly. 

 To my parents, I didn't ever consider the fact that you might truly be grieving for a grandchild that you lost and may never have.  I didn't imagine that you might have longed to see your grandchild's first birthday or Christmas.  It didn't even cross my mind that you could be grieving for that in your life! I AM SORRY!

 To my siblings, I also didn't realize that you might really want to have a niece or nephew and how that touched your lives.

 For my friends, I dismissed the fact that my infertility could even impact you at all.  We are friends and that is that.  But that isn't true, I mean we are friends but it can't be taken for granted.  I didn't recognize that we were disconnected in some ways because I was not a mother and you were. I am SORRY!

To my co-workers, (These people mostly fall in the family and friends category because I work with a great group of people... I consider them to be my family and my friends.)  I know my infertility impacted you as well.  I started to change as a person. I retreated and isolated myself from you, at times.  I kept my infertility a secret because I didn't want to be treated different.  If you did know about my infertility and loss, you were scared to tell me about your joys of becoming a grandparent or a mother yourself.  I would never want to take away your happiness on something that is so important to you.  I AM sorry!

To everyone above, I know that infertility has impacted you in so many ways without actually walking through the shoes of IF.  I know that it is tough to see someone that you love and care about be in pain.  I also know that you felt helpless in all of it.  I know there were times that I got frustrated because you just didn't understand.  You didn't understand what I was going through because you never went through it yourself.  I hope this letter doesn't come to late.  There are some relationships that could have been truly devastated by my infertility because of my inability to cope with it.  I think I was able to see what was happening and finally make the changes necessary before it was too late. 

Is there a relationship that has been significantly changed because of your infertility?  Is there something that you can do today to help mend that relationship? Maybe you can pick up the phone, send a text, write a letter, extend the olive branch in some way to start to resolve a relationship that has been impacted.


  1. hello! stopping by from iclw (#31). this post is fantastic. i feel like i need to copy it and post it to my family and friends and coworkers too. its been a brutal 3.5 years and i am a changed person, for sure. some for the better, some for the worse. this is beautiful and i hope that you get some great responses. cheers! for being so aware.

  2. I would love it if you copy it and send it to your friends. Feel free to link to this post. I HOPE this blog will help others on their journey!

  3. Hi there. What a lovely post. I too went through IVF and I understand about needing to keep it a secret from others. I am sure though that those people still love you and only want the very best for you, even though they don't understand. hugs for you, Monica

  4. While there are definitely many relationships that are worth mending and saving, there are some which would be healthier for us to let go of. Every woman and couple must make their own personal decisions regarding how to address their infertility, and there will always be people in their lives who oppose and will not support the woman or couple in their decisions. Sometimes it is best to let go of those relationships with people who are not willing to accept and support us in the decisions we need to make for our own lives.

  5. Actually, as much as I know this was from the heart, I do not feel for even one minute that you should be apologizing for your infertility. It breaks my heart that you're feeling this way. Infertility is not something we should be sorry about; we cannot control it.

    I agree with Compassionate's comment, too.

    Hang in there.

  6. Thank you for defending me :-). I am not apologizing for my infertility but more so that I never realized that it also had an impact on other people in my life. I am trying to say that infertility affects so many more people than those that are trying to conceive. I feel like this was my way of saying, I know what I was going through also had an impact on you too.

    Compassionate, I agree with you. If there was or is someone in my life that didn't agree with my decisons... oh well! I am sure those people aren't worth having in my life. Luckily I did not experience anyone (that I know of) that had these opinions.

  7. I can relate to this post a lot! Thanks for inviting me to come follow! :)


  8. Reading you loud and clear! Sometimes, we can become so focused on our purpose that we don't realize what kind of impact it has on our loved ones. Beaming in from ICLW (#129) and really appreciated this post for its compassion and generosity of spirit.

  9. :-( I don't really think you should have to apologize for your infertility, and yet I see your point. Others grieve for you and for the children they wish they could be enjoying right now.

    There's only one person I really wish I could get in contact with and apologize to myself. Years ago, when we were newly married and TTC and it just wasn't happening, a friend of mine announced her 3rd pregnancy. I didn't take it too well and pretty much shunned her. We moved away from there and I actually don't even remember her last name (we were more casual friends). But I still remember the look on her face when she announced her pregnancy and she noticed I wasn't happy about it. She looked... ashamed. And I really wish I could go back in time and talk to us both, to tell her why I acted like that and to tell myself that it would all work out and that I shouldn't feel like such a failure compared to her.

  10. This is one of the best posts I have ever read. I have only recently seen how much my infertility has affected my friends and family. How much joy have I stolen? How many moments of pain has my infertility caused my parents? My in-laws? I may have to steal this idea myself ;)

    iclw #161

  11. What a loving, generous post. I hope you are at least as loving and generous with yourself on this painful journey.

    ICLW #15

  12. Such a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it.

  13. This is such a "big" post. How wonderful and thoughtful of you. I hope you get the same degree of consideration from your friends, family and coworkers in return.


  14. I've had friendships founder over IF, I am sorry about that, but I stopped blaming myself (entirely) for it. I'm not perfect.

    Also, I agree not all relationships are worth saving.

    (Arrived from the Crème de la Crème list)

  15. I have lost friendships (well, not lost exactly, but misplaced?), and seen my relationships with my family change a lot because of IF also. I don't blame myself, but I am sorry that it happened. This was a good post.

    (here from creme)